REVIEW: “Artemis Fowl”; Prepare For Disappointment

Wow, just… wow. You can thank me in advance for saving you your precious time and telling you, upfront, that this movie is utter garbage. And by saying that, I actually feel like I am insulting garbage. If you were looking forward to this film, prepared to be massively disappointed. “Harry Potter” has nothing to worry about.

“Artemis Fowl” is possibly the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. And I have seen a lot of bad movies, but this one is beyond bad. I still find it hard to believe that Kenneth Branagh, the man who directed “Hamlet”, was the same man that directed this film. What happened?

I’ve never read the series of books that the film “Artemis Fowl” is based on, but I have to assume that this movie does not accurately represent the story at all. Those books were beloved by fans and were also very successful. I can’t imagine that any fans of the books will find much that will please them.

I can’t even begin to tell you what this movie is about. It’s utterly boring, confusing, and makes no sense whatsoever. The cast of characters and the actors that portrayed them are all awful. The special effects look like they are a good 10-20 years old. And all of the comedy is forced and falls flat.

Most people could tell from the trailers and posters that this has a lot of similarities with “Harry Potter”. And it does, but then it stops itself, so as to not look like it is completely ripping off that franchise. But then it begins ripping off other movies like “Men In Black”, “Spy Kids”, and Disney’s “Prep and Landing”.

Ferida Shaw, who plays Artemis Fowl, has absolutely zero charisma. And the character of Artemis Fowl is a pompous, arrogant know-it-all that has no moments of humility or redemption. Usually in a movie like this, you want the hero to overcome all obstacles and win, but I wanted this kid to fail and fail miserably. Yes, even if that meant the destruction of the world as we know it. I have never seen a more unlikable protagonist.

Josh Gad plays a complete Hagrid ripoff, going as far to even steal his accent. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what people see in this guy and I have no idea why he would even be considered for a role in this film, other than Disney loves the guy because he voices Olaf. There’s a lot of bad acting in this film, but he really takes the cake. It seems like he was inspired by Jack Black, or maybe Disney couldn’t get him, so they just used Gad.

No one, and I mean no one, does a halfway decent job of acting in this film. Colin Farrel seems like he doesn’t want to be there. Even the great Dame Judi Dench is just dreadful in this. I felt so bad for her and imagined that each day she probably closed her dressing room door and cried uncontrollably or got stinking drunk. (Maybe both.) And she sounds like Gollum through this movie or like she just has a really bad sore throat. It would be an absolute sin if this was her last movie. After her performance in this movie and “Cats”, she’d better not die yet. She has to make at least one more film and go out on a high note.

Without a doubt, you could find more entertainment in watching paint dry than wasting an hour and 35 minutes on this mess. I still cannot believe that Disney was actually going to originally charge people to see “Artemis Fowl” in theaters. Was there any good at all in this movie? For me, my favorite part was when the end credits started rolling, to let me know I could turn it off.

I give “Artemis Fowl” a 2/10.